


After Dark

by theimaginesyouneveraskedfor



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Goofy - Freeform, Silly, don't even know how to explain it, tolkien did not intend for this when he wrote his books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-30 23:52:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17233496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theimaginesyouneveraskedfor/pseuds/theimaginesyouneveraskedfor
Summary: Weird things are going on after dark.





	After Dark

Just a little more grass stain and you would be near undetectable and you would give those Durin brothers a right scare. You smudged some more dirt and green across your face, the layer of nature thick across your skin. You had even rolled through the dirt and covered your clothing in dust and mud until you blended into your surroundings.

Content with your disguise, you began to sneak back through the trees as the sky darkened above as if conspiring with you. You kept low as you got closer to camp and stifled a mischievous giggle as you reached the thick brush which edged the camp right behind the tree line.

You searched through the dimmed clearing, most of the dwarves had already taken to their bedrolls and your eyes looked for your two prey. You stayed knelt in the bushes as you prepared yourself and calmed the mirth already brewing within. You could not wait to see the fear in their faces.

You were nearly ready to make a stealthy path to where you could hear the two Durins were still whispering to each other when a set of footsteps made you stop. A dark figure stepped through the thin line of trees you had been peaking past and towards you as if they could see you squatting in the dirt, yet surely they could not.

The feet stopped right in front of where you hid and you looked up with fearful eyes expecting to meet angry ones and yet the dwarf did not seem to notice you right in front of him. The thin curtain of leaves and branches between the two of you certainly added to your illusion of not existing.

You heard the unbuckling of a belt and the brush of fabric as whoever it was began to untie the laces of their breeches and you blanched with a sharp inhalation.  _Oh no, not this._  You kept your eyes from looking down from the shoulders of the gray figure; it was dark but not enough to hide what they were pulling from their fly. A trickle began as your head was in a panic and sound of the stream hitting right beside you finally spurred you to action.

“Stop!” You rose from the cover of the bushes and the dwarf stumbled back nearly spraying you, “Sorry!” You squealed as you backed away, realizing you must have scared them.

“Mahal!” The voice hissed into the darkness as he regained his balance, “Who is–[Y/N]?”

“Thorin?” You cringed as you realized you had nearly been pissed on by the king.

“What? Oh–” He rushed to cover himself back up as he seemed to have forgotten about his business, “What in Mahal are you doing in the bushes?” You looked bashfully to the ground as he angrily tied his breeches, coming up with no logical explanation to give him, “And why are you wearing camouflage?”

“Um, reconnaissance,” You blurted out, trying to sound believable.

“Reconnaissance for what?” He buckled his belt and you held back a guilty giggle, “Dammit, I’ve got piss on myself,” The last furious grumble made you laugh as he could not seem to focus between you or his own anger, “You think this is funny?”

“N-no,” You steadied your tone, “It is only—well, I’m sorry, truly. I was not intending on scaring you.”

“You should not be going around frightening anyone,” He reprimanded as he crossed his arms, “And surely you should not be spying on others while they attend to their needs.”

“I was not spying on you,” You replied defensively, “You are the one who came over here and pulled out–” You stopped yourself before you got vulgar, “I mean, I only heard you, I didn’t see…you,” You had taken the wrong route on that one.

“Mahal,” He swore again as you rubbed your forehead nervously, “Between you and my nephews, I cannot do even the simplest task.”

“Wait, I am not so bad as those two,” You argued.

“Worse,” He returned, though his voice seemed less angry than before.

“Thank you,” You grumbled dryly as you put your hands on your hips, “I suppose my ruse is up,” You made to step past him as you realized you had missed your chance to scare the Durins who were looking curiously towards the trees.

“Wait, I didn’t–” Thorin stopped you before you could make it past him, “Get any on you?”

“No, if you did I would have surely let you know,” You answered though you were not entirely sure yourself, “But I’ll go now and let you…finish.”

“And you didn’t see anything?” He held you in place by your arm.

“Mahal’s sake, Thorin,” You shook your head, “I swear on my honour, I saw not a thing of your dwarfhood and I shall say nothing of its girth which I did not see.”

“Alright—wait, if you didn’t see anything, then–” He began and you pulled away from him.

“Oh no, I didn’t see it just then,” You turned to him as you stepped slowly backward, “But I may have accidentally ‘stumbled’ upon a certain dwarf-king bathing in a river a week back and have 'seen’ something then.”

“You–” His voice caught with realization and you turned back, swiftly passing the tree line before he could reach you again, “This isn’t over, [Y/N],” His voice called after you though he stayed where he was.

“Hopefully not,” You muttered to yourself as you grinned and crossed the camp to your bedroll.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on Tumblr: August24, 2015


End file.
